Tragic Mistakes

Ever say why me God? Why Me?

I used to say it all the time. Why me? Why did I become a single parent at the age of 23? Why can I not get my life straight? Hell I have even asked the stupid girl questions like why not me? Why doesn't that guy like me? Ha! ha! those were the days.

I am starting to ask Why them? Why my friends? Why does God take the people who are important to me in such senseless ways? It started young, but I never expected for it stretch into my 30s. Why Them?

Back in 2006 I was going to write a book about tragic mistakes. You know those things we do that we don't think will hurt us, but winds up costing us our lives. In December of 2004 I had had enough.

I remember the morning of December 8th like it was yesterday. I was driving to work cussing about how bad the traffic was. Radio reports said there was a fatal accident that had the main highway (Airport Freeway) closed. This caused all the surrounding roads to be packed with people. I didn't know it was her. Later that afternoon, I went to pick up my daughter at school and found out the wreck was caused by my friend Samantha Lively. Samantha was so young. Here daughter and my daughter were friends, they were only 3 at the time.

Here are one of the reports:

North Lake graduate Samantha Lively lost her life on Dec. 8 in a head-on collision with a tractor-trailer on Airport Freeway.
According to newspaper reports and calls received by the Irving Police Department following the accident, Lively was traveling the wrong way on State Highway 183. While going westbound, witnesses said, she made a U-turn, sending her eastbound in the westbound lanes.
Lively was a UT-Arlington student majoring in marketing. Survivors include her three-year-old daughter, Briauna, and her mother, Kathy.

On the news that evening they played the dash cam video from one of the police squad cars who were called out. They played it over and over. I will never forget it. She never knew what happened, it was so quick. Later in the week they released autopsy reports saying that her blood alcohol level was over three times the legal limit. I even remember news reports saying "she was traveling alone, but her daughter's car seat was still in the back of the car." It's was awful. It was too soon...too senseless. Why her? Why so young? Why? I still haven't answered that question and it will be 5 years this December.

Looking back on all the friends I have lost I have lost way too many to only be 31. Almost all of them were from these tragic mistakes. Why? Why am I so lucky? Why do I have some friends who cheat death and some friends who don't.

It's that split second decision that you make. The thought that "I have to get home. I can drive. I will be fine."

This is all coming back...the book...Samantha...this "why?", feeling because when I woke up last Thursday morning I never dreamt I would be hit with this same tragedy again, but by 8 pm Thursday night it was reality.

A Tragic Mistake. If he would have know, he would have never had done it. That split second when you realize it's over. This time it hit so much harder than before. This wasn't just a friend, this was a person God put on this earth for me. We were meant to be friends, meant to never loose touch. Meant to be each other's shoulder. He was one of my very best friends, my closest guy friend. And when he died he meant the world to me. It hasn't been a week, so I know that I haven't given myself time to heal, but the wound hurts so bad. It's awful.

"Friends identified the driver as James Krzywonski, 30."

"The victims were heading back to the windward side after attending a birthday celebration for a co-worker."

"James Krzywonski, 30, drove the 2001 Audi Coupe traveling at estimated speeds of more than 100 mph toward Kaneohe, striking the right concrete embankment, going airborne and crashing into the moss rock and concrete wall at the entrance to the tunnel."

"Police are still investigating whether alcohol was involved in the crash. York said that when he spoke with his staff members who had gone to the party, they were sober, and that it would "very much surprise" him to hear that Krzywonski had been drinking."

"Driver James Krzywonski's blood alcohol level was .225; .08 is considered legally drunk."

That last line stung the most when I read it this morning. It's where you drop your head and think "oh James...what were you thinking?"

I get angry. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am at a loss. I don't know how to move on. I can't imagine life without him, I shouldn't have to. It's been a week since I have heard his voice. I would give anything for 5 more minutes, hell even to seconds to say "I love you and be careful!"

Most ironic thing is that my book originally featured the untimely death of James' older brother George. I always planned to discuss that with James when the time was right. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the book would now feature James. I am dusting the book off and starting again. If it takes me five years I will finish. I will give everything I have to not loose another friend like this and to save someone from the pain and heartache of loosing someone this close in such a senseless way.

I love you James! I love you Samantha! You two will always live in my heart and will never be forgotten.