In a Fog

Have you ever completely missed a street that you turn on everyday? Each morning I turn on the same street at almost the same time. Today, I totally missed it and before I realized I was almost a block away. I was lost in thought or so I think because I am really not sure what was happening. I was awaken from the fog of my life by Shelby saying “ummm mom.”

I can’t blame it on sleep deprivation because I was in bed by ten last night. It may be part of my monthly funk. I wish I could pin point what it is exactly and cure it, but to be honest it is work, Shelby’s schedule, and a little thing called a wedding that has put me where I am today.

Please there is no need for concern. I have never wanted anything more than to be Mrs. JAG. I cannot picture my future any other way, but it is the getting there that is driving me batty. There is the normal stress of a wedding day and trying not  to become Bridezilla. Then, in our case there is the stress of combining two completely furnish stocked to the rim homes. That is a feat and a half because we both struggle with letting go of things.

My biggest struggle these days is my house. It may not look like much to you, but to me it used to be everything. I come to tears even writing about it now. You see I entered to my marriage to Gweedo with nothing and I felt like I left with less than nothing – if you have gone through a divorce you understand that feeling. Shelby and I spent six months in a one bedroom apartment rebuilding out lives to the point where I could purchase a home for us to live in. I did it all by myself – this was a huge feat for me. I had not even purchased a car on my own before that point. This house to me even though it is not much look at some days is independence. After a not so great marriage that is all I wanted – to show the world I can do this on my own.

From the first day I moved in it was mine. If I wanted my sofa against a certain wall all I had to do was move it there. I didn’t have to consult with anyone or persuade someone to see it the way I did. All the way down to the way I arranged my pantry was solely up to me. I needed it, I love it and at the time two years ago I didn’t want life to be any different. Just me, Shelby, Beau, a hamster and a house – all I needed to feel successful.  

Well I don’t have to tell that times change. God blessed me with a wonderful man and my priorities have changed. The house is slowly being cleaned out and by December 1^st (I hope) another family will move in and make their own memories. I am keeping the house, but someone else (or many other people) will spend their Christmas’ there. That makes me happy, but at the same time is a little sad and very stressful.

So, I guess that is why I missed my turn this morning. I was in another world of thought trying to come to terms with moving all my things into someone else’s house. A house that I will eventually call mine as well. A house that will one day feel the same as the one on a corner lot just five minutes away, hell it may feel even more like home than that house. I do have to admit, it has a much better back yard than mine, there are not shootings across the street and JAG is there. I can do this and I am not giving up any independence – well at least that I am not supposed to.

That last sentence was just for me. Blah…I guess I am keeping it real for you all. Thank you for reading…I needed to just get it out.

Now to DECORATING!!! I am going to break in JAG’s house this weekend while he is at men’s retreat and decorate for Fall!!! That will make me feel better I am sure!