Dread
That is the only way I can describe this day on the
calendar. I told JAG last night that each year I think it will be easier and I
am not sure if it ever is. I think the kick in the gut feeling is not as
strong, but The pain is still real. Again, like last year I think my best way
to honor (if you want to call it that) the day is to have you go back to the
first year. Today I will re-post that entry:
** I am not re-reading the post myself…I just cannot this
morning, but I did remove the last sentence where I talk about him being an angel -my views on that sentiment has changed.
This has to be my favorite picture that his sister posted on the memorial site that was created for James. |
A Year Later
Lately
I have been avoiding the fact that this day would come. During the past week I
have started a new relationship which has helped me to focus my attention away
from this horrid anniversary. Yesterday when I was driving home I realized I
could not avoid it any longer and it was upon me. I realized it had been an
entire year since I had spoken to James in that moment I felt that swift kick
to the gut exactly as I had felt it a year ago today when I heard he was gone.
Death leaves a
heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a
headstone in Ireland
February
26, 2009~
I
don't remember a lot about the week after his death.
There
were a lot of tears.
I
started his memorial page.
I
talked to his brother by email.
I
finally, after hearing so much about her, was fortunate to meet and become
friends with Michelle.
I
cried a lot...think I already said that.
I
was angry...it was one of those things were I just wanted to hit someone so
they felt as badly as I did.
I
remember it all coming in waves over and over again during that week. I was so
sad, then I was so angry at him, then I felt such guilt for being angry at him,
then I was in sadness again.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you
shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~Kahlil Gibran
I
leaned on my friend Nicole who was still feeling the same grief for her father
who had past away two months early. I feel sometimes my grief reminded her even
more of her own grief. I owe Nicole the world for those weeks after James’
death. She did more to help me then she will probably ever know. I think the
months following with tragedy really brought us closer and helped us to build a
strong bond.
I
didn’t fully understand her grief until I lost James. I used to tell people who
lost a loved ones "it will be ok" or "things will get
better." I didn't realize then what that does to someone who is grieving.
It's
not "ok" it's been a year and it's not "ok." This happening
and him not being here any longer is not "ok."
"Things
will get better" I guess the grief has gotten better. I can now talk about
him and not cry. I am not saying I am typing this blog without tears, but early
on I didn't want it to get better. For it to get better meant that it was real,
that I would never hear his voice again. That I could never pick up the phone
and ask him the question of the day. It meant that I would never hear his laugh
again or see his beautiful smile. I wasn't ready for that this time last year.
Hell, as I type it now I am in tears because due to the reality of the truth.
Memory is a way of
holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want
to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years
I
did my share of verbal fighting with people who posted awful tings about James
on-line. I didn’t and never will say that what James did was right. He knew
better I know this…he has known better for years, but at the same time it gives
no one the right to post untruths about a person, they had never meet, on a
public forum where his family could access and read for years to come.
I
spent time in conversation with my pastor friend, Vince Anderson. Vince helped
me in prayer and finding scripture to come to terms with the situation I was
dealing with at the time. He was a strong force in my healing and I thank him
for his prayers during that time.
Earth has no sorrow
that Heaven cannot heal. ~Author Unknown
The
most difficult part of losing James at this point in his life (and I have said
this so many times) is that he was doing so well!
Here
is part of an email I received from him on January 27th:
By the way, I want to sincerely thank
you for being there for me in my time of need. I am doing better than ever
right now. I don't know why. I am so high on life right now. Pinch me I must be
dreaming.
I
was so proud of him. He had gone through a struggle and overcame to find he had
joy and passion for life. We spent so long talking about his recovery and his
dreams for is future. His goal was to find his perfect woman (of Asian decent,
fit and tan) God love him. He hoped to find the one he was meant to be with and
he dreamed of family with children.
He
was so full of life during his last month. I would find him awake and online at
5 am Hawaii time.
Here
is one of the last emails from James, it was sent on February 3rd:
its 5 am and yes I'm online. I am
nocturnal. I slept from 12:30 am to 2:30 am and that's about all the sleep I
can handle. Sleep is for the dead. I think I'm gonna go for a run. Or to the
gym or try and go back to sleep. I haven't decided yet.
I
believe, have always believed, that God put people in my life for a reason. I
am meant to learn something from every person in my life. From my friendship
with James I learned that I can I have a true, honest non-romantic relationship
with someone of the opposite sex. I have learned that a good friend is there
when you need them. James and I always seemed to be that to each other even though
we lived so far apart. From his death I have learned to not a take a single day
for granted, but more then that I have learned to tell people what they mean to
you now…don’t hold it until later because later may never come.
I
have learned that even though at one time I thought that my life would be
tragically scared forever and some point over the last year I didn’t think I
would be the same…well I learned I am not the same I was this time last year.
This man changed my life forever. He will always be in my life. In March of
last year I had a memorial tattoo placed on my leg. It is my favorite tattoo…it
means more to me then any of the others. It reminds me of my loss (like I need
a reminder) and it also helps me share James with others.
There are things that
we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but
have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author
Unknown
If
anything were to come out of all this I hope that his death will teach, will
open eyes, will make people understand how fragile our lives are. How one
mistake can not only change our life but hundreds of people around you and
people you have even met.
As long as I can I will look at this
world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing
with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha, as posted
on motivateus.com
I was truly
blessed to have James be a part of my life.
She was no longer
wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and
make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot
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